prépa-me-voilà

I haven't been here in a while. Well, even literally, I haven't. I've been home for... A little more than a month. It feels like forever. I never thought I'd be the kind of person that gets tired from home, but hey, nobody's perfect. 

To say that life has been crazy is a massive understatement. I have traveled a lot this year. Limerick, Manchester, Killarney, Cork, Brno, Amsterdam, Vienna. I wrote a thesis, I taught French. Met more people and fell in love more times than can even count. Beded with two men. And there you go.

I love Adam, I do. Everytime I see him or spend time with him I love him more than the day before. I could not dream for a man that loves me more than he does, and who respects my dreams so profoundly.

But Phil is always going to be at the back of my mind. Phil, the guy whom I'm always doubting, the one I always have to fight for, the one who never gives me his complete affection. He is my Robin. I am always going to think about him, think about what it could be or what it could have been. Because we are unfinished. If I could just take the whole world's advice and move on, I would. But I can't and I have no idea why. I am sure we would be crap together, I am sure I would always feel like he does not love me enough, he would make me feel so insecure. So why, after a year, am I still hung up on him? Maybe it has to do with the fact that we never broke up but always said "until next time". Maybe because the fact that he is coming back in 10 months is hanging over my head. Maybe because we spent 8 months apart and it did not affect our relationship when we got back together. Maybe because of all the promises, the ones we made and the ones we didn't.

So Marie is probably right. Maybe I'm still hung up on him because I never had him. Maybe there are going to be dozens of Adams, but only one Phil. It breaks my heart to know that he is always going to be there, I wish we could just move on, I wish he'd find the love of his life and be done with it. Because all this while I am wondering if I may not be that girl.

I should tell Adam about this. I should tell him that Phil and I are not history, that he is going to come back, and him and I are going to be home together again, and that we can't be apart. But Phil has caused me nothing but heartbreaks. And the last thing I want to do in the world is to hurt Adam.

Oh, and yes, probably if I had stuff to do I wouldn't worry about this, about the future. Because there is no way I can know what is going to happen, and I shouldn't even think about it. I'm going to try not to.

"Actually there is a word for that, it's love. I am in love with her, okay? If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it's love. And when you love someone, you just... you don't stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy, even then, especially then! You don't give up, because if I could give up... If I could just, you know, take the whole world's advice and move on, and find someone else, that wouldn't be love, that would be... that would be some other disposable thing, that is not worth fighting for. But that is not what this is."

Home.

I wanna go back. I miss the US, the smell of adventure, my heavy bag, my joys, my tears, all of it. It hasn't been easy all along the way, but it has been EVERYTHING.

Call me back to you. Let's live to love and love to live. Everything is hard and I miss speaking english so much, I miss everything so much that I can't even dress a list of it. 

Looking at old highschool pictures is still hard. Highschool. I thought our friendship was unbeattable, unbreakable, I thought world was ours. Then we all go to different studies, making our own way. I was always there, trying to hold back what we had, trying to gather the pieces of what we used to call a band. It didn't work, because somehow I was the only one who tried. I was the sentimental one, the one who always cared, the one who was missing all of that.

I ain't gonna do the same this year; I've lost the pieces. And above all, I found it's not my place. Well, it actually is, but I wanna try to live differently, cause this year didn't work at all.

That's what U.S gave me, this and other things. Joshua is wise, and I'm going to use Joshua's words : it's just one more adventure. Others are waiting, it's just a call to answer. And I will do it.

Maybe it's not who I am, maybe I need to care about everybody, but now I'm just tired. I've always thought that a life is made to be lived with a lot of people around. I still do, but in a different way; I used to act according to others' feelings, not according to mine. Here's the change.

I'm making decisions according to what I, and only I, feel now. Let's try this.

God I wish Facu was here.

And now what am I doing ? My heart is in a cage, my entire body is in a cage. All the day is Louis, the US, DU, bears. Every sentence that I make begin by " You know in America .. ". I'm sick, I'm sick. I've learned how to love, I've learned how to give. Now I'm tired, if love is a drug I need a detox. I want to cry all the time, I want to sleep all the time to find everything back in my dreams. This journey was that perfect that it just seems like a dream, or like a movie, like someone else's life. I miss Louis, how predictible was that ? Of course I fell in love in the US, it was meant to be. I'm crying, that's all I do. I try to not forget the faces, the words which have made me wiser. Every moment I remember seems perfect, and actually is. How could I still belong to here ? I've seen too much, and I have still so much to see. My future's not here. I've seen too much, I've heard too much, I've experienced too much to just keep on living like that. I'm not ready to stand still for now and the next years. God, I need to move and to love.

Among the things that this journey has taught to me, one is the following : I am independant. Well, not as much as I thought. I thought I was, and then I just realised that my friends meant everything for me, and thus my independance wasn't so huge. Back home, I tried to fix my friends' mess, as I always do. Then I stopped, and thought that this time, they'll have to do it all alone. I don't know if it's who I am, I don't know if let people just do things by theirselves and not to care or help them is what the real me would do. But now, I'm just tired to make my life according to their trouble. Now I'm free, even my friends wouldn't keep me here. I'm free.

Words are useless to describe what I feel. The pictures in my head cannot be described with words. I think only my body can say it. Hugging, loving, crying, shouting, hugging.

 She believed that now, it will be easier.

And somehow, she felt this unexpected sensation of pure and quiet happiness. Doors were open, the road of possibility laid at her feet; fate was hers. She felt more free than she ever did, and maybe will probably be. Ad she had faith, not in love, not in humanity, not in God. Just in life. She understood every part of the word peaceful, and smiled at the victories as at the defeats. She was one again.

20:17

Wow. A year ago, hour to hour, minute to minute, I was fucking crying because of pain in my fucking tummy. 1 year little scar, 1 year.

Seriously. A year ago I almost passed out.

1 year ago ... What have happened since eh ? Kayak, USA, BAC, Kevin, Maxime, Facu, Argentina, London 2012, Sicilia, school, friends away ...

Whatever. Today what I feel, is always the same. I'm letting you go. Pol, or Facu, whatever it's the same. I'm letting you go. Ahora sin ti. Nothing goes as planed ... I had all those dreams in my head, where you and I were together, finally, in Pau, in Foix, in Toulouse, in Argentina, wherever. Once again, my imagination just fooled myself.

And now again, I'm thinking of you, you and I in London, at the Olympic Games.

But the worse isn't even that. The worse, it that you didn't think about it. It never had cross your mind tat you and I could be. I'm just a friend to you, actually, I'm just a friend for everybody.

It's stupid, it's stupid; it's stupid to think of you all they day, and to dream of you all the night. It's stupid to write such a silly text.

But hey Facu ... You're living into my head.

Te quiero mucho.

Mucho mas.

 She wanted to wrote about love. But she'd never knew what is was - of courses her heart had been broken, of course she had loved. But to know something, is to know is completely. And she'd never been loved. Love, to her, was a unical way feeling, and will always be.

When she had started to think that her emotion could be share, she was just going into illusion. She was beatten down, she was thrown up.

Tears began to fall, and thus she began to wheep. In her lonely desesparation, she wondered how could she keep on believing in love, after all the non history she had had. She didn't find the answer. She just knew, that the last 2 month she had had was the most beatuifuls in her year. Thus, she thought, may help me to believe in.

The frustration of a broken love and un unfinished story, which, in reality, had not even begun, teared her appart. She didn't thought it was still possible. But yes : she cried of love. For it hurts to be in love. Somehow, she always had hated this idea of attatchement and dependance that lovers have. But somehow, she had always dreamt of it. So when she started to cry, to cry because of love, in the immensity of her tears, a smile appeared; she was still able to cry because of love. For a long time, she had began to thought that she was stone hearted, that she hadn't any heart - or maybe she was used to have one, but too many had took it.

The constant sorrow was just another enemy to defeat. As every other time, she will heal.

But the kind of question in those case are always the same : when ?

It's funny just to look at old notes; thus I can see all the way I've done. Reading those old articles, I suddenly realised that the crisis have passed. Now I'm peaceful. I'm not scared anymore. I know who I am, what I want. I know what I can't have. I'm one again.

I realised that you, my young lover, will soon fall into my memories. Of course now you have the form of this obsession, this obsession of love, for you're always in my dreams, every single night. It hurts to know that you and I will never be possible, it frustrates to know that if we lived on the same continent we could be together. Love hurts. Love hurts but it makes me feel alive somehow; kinda reassuring to know that I'm still able to love.

I don't know where does this hapiness come from.

I'm thinking that maybe it's the sun. Maybe it's my friends. But no. I think that it's because I've started my big adventure. Finally, I took my tickets to Denver. Denver, on the 4 of July. A month, 4 days. Damnit I'm crazy. I'm crazy. But now, I can't turn over, no no. I have to do it. My mother says that if I feel bad about 10 days, I can't go back to France. Is she kidding ? It's like if I was the only one to understand. It's an ADVENTURE. A real one; like in movies, like in books.

Point is that now, doubt has left my heart. It's done. I'm gonna do it. No reasons to be doubtful again. Moving on, moving on to the 4th of July, and I will started my destiny.

They were a family.
They weren't always together, they disagreee, they didn't share the same taste - they were humans. They didn't talk about what they have or feel. But somehow, they deeply knew they were there for each other. They didn't look like those bands of kids that hang out and share pains - for they were beyond that. There was a true respect of each other. Of course they've been through a lot, in the sufferings of one and all.
People may believed that they weren't not friends at all - and this is what Elise started to think. But someday, it just appeared tat they were too less interested in love and in secrets, for this is not what a band of friend sould be. The actual definition of friendship to be here for each other, to lough together, to find a way to be connected beyond the diffeencies. This is what really matters. Friendship is about the happiness to be together doing nothing - and they illustrated it so well.

Because this week end I finally found what I missed. It's such a cliche to say that we can not live without our friends - anyway this cliché is true. Last time I was that happy it was when I saw you, my Argentina's boy, remember ? Point is that I'm starting to think that our story is over, maybe because we hadn't had a serious talk since weeks, maybe because you're not calling back, maybe because I gave up on you. One more time, here we go, one more time the coaward 's givin up.

But what's the matter with my friends around ?

The day you start to think that love is just an old notion, that it is not as strong as you thought it was, is not the day you're wrong - but the day you need your friends more than ever.

There is a moment where you have to chose.

Who do you want to be
who do you cant by your side
who you are
who do you need to be
who do you have to be
what do you want

I don't know how to chose. I suck at chosing. Maybe it's because of that that I didn't kiss Kevin when it was time, because of that that I didn't chose Facundo even if he was the one for me ( because hey, if there is a damnit soul sister in this entire planet, and that there is just ONE SOUL in the world to match mine, I think that yeah, yours in the one ), that I chose studies I'm not fond of. I had a bad year a lot of thing to go through. I was this person, sure of herself, willing, strong, loving. And now I'm hesitating for absolutely everything - but I realised something : not the USA. I can't do that. USA, it's my dream damnit. How could have thought even for a second to not go there alone ? Because hey, I don't know how to chose. Because hey, in this peculiar moment and in the last 5 months, I 've been a little poor sad and weak girl - as I've never been. And I'm so lost, I'm losing friends. We see each other, always, and nothing has changed. But speaking with them, I realise that I don't talk to them about this or that - and that actually, we start to become stranger. I refuse that, I definitely do. And love, huh, love. Is that love ? You mean, the feeling that I've always known as a unical way feeling ? Wow great. And now I'm falling for a guy who has a girlfriend. Again. So how about that ?
I just want to leave, to live. To see something else, to be born again.
I'm trying to change, every fucking day. But I can't, it's like if I was stucked. I NEED something new.

Something that you brought to me, then stole from me.

Yesterday, I just watched Into The Wild. Everybody say that this movie is just beautiful. Is it ? This movie touched me in a way I didn't expect. There is so much to understand about it, and I can't see hope about that. The truth is, that we have to match to society, that we have to live in our time. That adventure is not possible, or may be, but with pain. No pain no gain ? What did Chris want ? Actually, it's not the movie in itself which made me really thoughtful - but the fact that I AM Chris. Suddenly, my will to go to the USA alone trouble me - more than it did before, and made me wonder one more time WHY. Why alone ? What am I affraid of ? Don't I understand that live is not a individualism principle ? I am so scared to be Chris - to not reach what I wanted, to discover the truth but not to achieve what I'm doing. Am I affraid of loneliness ? Maybe I just want to go there alone to not face the reality, to not face the fact that I AM alone. I have friends, best friends - but there's a moment where it's no sufficient anymore. I have to find more. I am totally scared thinking that I don't match the time I'm living. So Into The Wild, just shows me a truth - I can't, I HAVE to be somebody else than Chris, for Chris is what I'm becoming those days. I can't be like that.
So Into The Wild, well, just a reflect of myslef somehow - a reflect I don't want to look like.

So now, changement is on turn.